We are doomed to lose the people we love.

do not want to read the author's personal feelings, just want to read the specific information of anticipatory sadness (anticipatory grief)? No problem, skipping the first four paragraphs won't make me sad!

when I was growing up, I got along with my grandmother for a long time. When I was very young and didn't go to school, grandma looked after me while my parents were working. I have many good memories: walking down the alley of the house to the playground, helping to make grape leaf rolls and cookies, playing the piano, painting my nails together, watching my children, and drinking her delicious lentil soup.

but let me turn back the clock first. A long time ago, when my mother was a little girl, my grandparents had moved to the United States from Greece. Like most good Greeks, they open restaurants and have children. However, life sometimes has to face life-Grandpa died young, grandma became a widow, with two children in primary school. Grandma supported the restaurant on her own, raising two children upstairs. In the vision of the American Dream, she sent her two children to college, one in the Ivy League and the other with honors in pharmaceutical school. After retiring, grandma moved to Baltimore, busily volunteering for the church and babysitting for her grandchildren. At the age of 80, she also spent 12 hours making honey doughnuts and selling pastries at the Greek festival [2].

in the late stage of 80 years old, grandma had a stroke. Dementia that followed a year later made her impression of an independent strong woman getting farther and farther away. She used to be such a grandmother, loving, pious, and loving her painted nails, but now her grandmother talks less and less, her consciousness becomes vaguer and vaguer, and she is constantly reminded of who we are and that we can't take care of ourselves.

in 2004, when Grandma died before her 95th birthday, I wasn't sure if I had ever heard the word "anticipatory sadness", but I remember us saying goodbye to her for six years as she slowly passed away. Although we are still with her body, we are also in those years, slowly immersed in sorrow for the loss of her charm, independence, memory, and consciousness. Remember her past, but watch her fade away.

Predictive grief: nature and details

about grief, there is the fact that we thought it would only happen after death, but it started long before death occurred. Grief can occur immediately when we realize that death seems to be about to happen. As long as death jumps into view, even if it is only a possibility, we will naturally fall into sadness.

although there is a difference between anticipated grief and death-induced grief, it also has many of the same symptoms as ordinary grief-sadness, anger, loneliness, forgetfulness, and depression. As a caregiver, these complex emotions are often superimposed by fatigue; if replaced by people who go to war or struggle with addiction, they will be subjected to the pressure of loneliness. When we realize that death is imminent and admit that it is coming, it brings a sea of anxiety and fear. Not only that, but even before death, we have been grieving over many losses: the loss of his or her capacity and independence, the loss of his or her recognition, the disillusionment of hope, the loss of future dreams, the loss of stability (sense of stability) and sense of security, the loss of our identity and their identity, and countless losses. Grief is not just about accepting future death, it also involves many losses that have occurred in the course of the disease.

when we feel death approaching, our bodies are often in a state of hyper-alertness-we are alarmed by the phone ringing at any time, the ambulance we have to call, or when the situation of our loved ones gets worse. This will make us physically and mentally exhausted and exhausted (mentally and physically exhausting). The same is true when watching a loved one suffer from a long illness. Taking care of those who are suffering from an illness will also bring us mental suffering. These feelings (among other things) contribute to a sense of relief when death finally occurs, but this relief (relief) can also lead to guilt and self-blame (guilt). These feelings are common and very normal when experiencing the expected death. However, we still feel guilty about this relief as a result of less love for the deceased. This is not the case, but the sense of relief is indeed a puzzling feeling. Sometimes we need to consciously remind ourselves that comfort doesn't change our deep love for the dead, it's just a normal response to disease.

some studies have shown that predictive grief can reduce grief after a death, but there are no rules for grief. Sometimes, anticipatory grief may alleviate the pain caused by loss, but there are also times when it has nothing to do with the grief caused by death. A good overview of predictive grief (while understanding why there are so many data conflicts) can be found in Linda Reynolds and Derek Botha's Anticipatory grief: Its nature, impact, and reasons for contradictory findings (2006). The important thing is to remember that if you feel that you have experienced anticipatory grief before death and feel less grief or shorter grief time, it is perfectly normal! On the other hand, it is also perfectly normal if you do not feel that your grief has been alleviated, even if it is an expected death! It's that simple. How loss of anticipation affects there is no rule because we all have our unique way of grief.

things to remember in dealing with anticipatory grief

it is normal to accept anticipatory grief.  you are a normal person, and it is also normal to feel grief before you die. Of course, you can feel the pain. Seriously, this is a normal phenomenon that has been documented for nearly a century. You're not alone!

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acknowledge your loss.  people may say annoying things to understate your experience, such as "at least your mother is still here". Allow yourself to admit that you are experiencing grief, even if he or she is not dead. Consider expressing your feelings by writing a diary, creating art, photographing, or another creative catharsis, such as admitting an impending death, losing hope, losing someone you used to know, losing the future you once dreamed of, and so on. Explore the way to present or perceive the emotions you are dealing with through mindfulness (mindfulness) [3].

keep in touch with others.  Predictive sadness is very common among caregivers, but unfortunately, when you are forced to spend all your time taking care of others, you may feel deeply lonely and completely isolated. Seek caregiver support groups (caregiver support groups), both locally and online [4], so that you can keep in touch with others in a similar situation, who can understand the challenges you face, including anticipated grief. If you seek online help, here is an anticipatory grief section that is still active [5].

remember, anticipatory grief doesn't mean you're giving up.  as long as you are there for the constant support, you are not giving up on family members or friends. There is always a time when we often accept situations where the disease is advanced and a cure is impossible. Although it is a fact, when we accept it, it will be accompanied by a sense of guilt and guilt. At this time, please focus on what you are doing still supporting, taking care of, loving, creating meaningful time together, etc. You are just changing your energy, from wanting to heal to wanting to have a meaningful and comfortable time together.

think carefully about the remaining time.  think about how you and your loved ones want to spend these times together. Although we may not always get what we want, you can try your best to spend the rest of your time together in a way that you think is meaningful. If your loved one is open-minded, you may be able to discuss practical issues with him or her, such as pre-instructing (advance directives) [6] and funeral arrangements to make sure you can follow their wishes (instead of being stuck in guessing what they want)

.  just as everyone expresses grief in different ways, anticipatory grief behaves differently in everyone. Expect that each family member will take a different path when experiencing and dealing with anticipated sadness. The principle of open and transparent communication can better promote mutual understanding. If you plan to make the rest of your time meaningful and comfortable, make sure that all-important family members and friends can participate in the discussion.

take care of yourself.  I know it's easier said than done! But it's true. Refer to our previous articles on self-care (self-care), yoga, and meditation to extract ideas or ways to take care of yourself. We still have to remember the old saying, "only those who help themselves can help others" (you can't take care of others if you don't take care of yourself).

make full use of your support system.  dealing with care and anticipating sadness can be a long-term task. Evaluate your support system to make sure who can help you (and who else need to avoid! ). We have an article on "Advanced support Syslog activity" to help you complete this assessment.

say yes to the consultation!  I know that some of you will think that counseling is only suitable for people with mental illness. I'm here to tell you: this is not true! Counseling is helpful to normal people, they just need a place to deal with their complex emotions and have their time. So, if you feel that your anticipated sadness is overwhelmed, please don't hesitate to consult. You can refer to our article on how to find a consultant.

relief and relief are normal.  in terms of loss of expectation, accompanying care that lasts for months, years, or even a decade can make people feel overwhelmed and exhausted (adjectives may not be enough to describe the pain! ). Therefore, when a person dies, relief and relief are completely normal, but they also create a sense of guilt at the same time. Remember, being relieved of an expected death doesn't mean you love him or her less; it's just a natural response to stressful and overwhelmed life.

there is no need to assume.  since it is an expected loss, don't assume that it will shorten or prolong your grief experience after death. Cheng. It has been said before, and now I repeat: we deal with grief differently.